Harry thinks about films and makes a list.

I spent a lot of time watching films & TV when I was on my last adventure, as we were in the middle of the ocean with nothing else to do, and no one wanted to be the first to suggest an orgy.  The problem with watching a high volume of films & TV programs is that you will invariably come across something that is not to your taste or, more honestly, something that is pure shit.  I came across a lot of shit.  Shall I write about the good stuff instead and how it was all well produced and written well and the actors were all on form?  No.  They have award shows where they can suck each other’s dicks in public.  The last thing they need is more fucking praise.  In that same spirit, I present to you Harry Peat’s most wonderful and completely accurate film awards list!  (Actual quotes, not always from my wordy orifice.)

“What the fuck is this thing about?” – Mulholland Drive (can’t have a film list without including every film studies student’s favourite conversation piece, can we?)

“Is it just me or is this film actually just a giant ball of sex jokes?” – Leon the professional

“Should have read the script – you’re better than this.” – Kal Penn in Epic Movie

“Did it even have a script?” – Lost, everything after series 2

“So who’s supposed to be the good one?” – Ray Donovan series 1

“I have no idea what the hell is going on.” – Eraserhead (nobody knows, and I’m not sure if anybody cares either)

“How did something this shit get made?!” – Beverly Hills Ninja

Ok, seriously, have you fucking seen this utter piece of shit?  Beverly Hills Ninja is literally the worst film I have ever seen.  I gave it a chance because I saw Chris Rock’s name on the credits, and now I know better.  The fact that someone produced it – someone went into their pocket and financed this steaming bowl of diarrhea – makes me despair.  At one point I’m pretty sure I said “I hope that fat cunt dies” and was told he was dead and my response was something along the lines of “Did he kill himself for making such a shitty film?”.  Not one funny moment.  Less than 0 out of 10.  Shame on people who paid to see this thing.  Would rather watch all of Paris Hilton’s “My new BFF” than 10 minutes of anything with Chris Farley in it.

“Worst fucking evil bad guy thing ever.” – Oblivion

“Fuck me!  I didn’t see that coming!” – Botched (it’s awful, but it’s genius)

“Just throw the disc in the ocean and save future people from seeing this thing.” – The Last Kung fu Monk

“Bwah, his sister isn’t even hot!” – Game of Thrones series 1, episode 1, you know the bit.  (Apparently watched this with Hank Hill)

“How are we supposed to just go on living our lives normally after watching this?  We could be rich!” – Breaking Bad

“If it wasn’t for the hot one, I probably would have switched it off after 10 minutes.” – Mean Girls 2

“Talk about someone’s wish fulfillment!” – 100 girls (no, it’s not a porn – yes, it is fucking awful – in fact. . .)

Yeah, let’s take a minute to use this thing as an example of bad writing.  This preachy, self-indulgent nonsense was clearly someone writing their own private fantasy story and managed to make a film about it.  Of course, it’s the main character who ruins it, as he is the glorious infallible hero, with no flaws whatsoever, and he is super perceptive of all other people, and if only they were more like him there wouldn’t be any conflict between men and women!  Oh saviour of the gender wars!  You’ll be on the edge of your seat as he tells his women’s studies teacher what’s what!  He knows everything about women, what can this closed-minded college professor possibly teach him?  And his incredible impassioned speech at the end has every girl throwing themselves at him!  He can have any girl he wants!  If you even make it to the end – the fact he’s narrating everything (oh yes – fucking EVERYTHING and at EVERY OPPERTUNITY) will also ruin this experience for you.  It took me three tries to watch past the first 15 minutes.  There’s one point where I hoped the main character would get raped, but unfortunately he doesn’t.  Shame.  Moving on –

“Fuck you, Justin Timberlake!” – Alpha Dog

“One laugh in 45 minutes?  Worth it.” – Something something something darkside (Family guy)

“Still funny after 10 watches.” – Your Highness (absofuckinglutely)

“Is it over yet?” – Zodiac


About harrypeat

I'm a happy-go-lucky chap with a zest for life and the resting heart rate of a yellowfin tuna. I love long walks on the beach at dusk, paintings of elderly couples, and vegan dinners by candlelight. As well as being a talented rhythmic jazz guitarist, I am a part-time vblogger and all-round gymnast.
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