Harry returns to delete some shit and replace it with some different shit

Title says is all.

I returned to this blog to read the shit I wrote and I did not like it.  At least not the latest pieces of crap that had spewed themselves forth from an angry orifice.  So, in the spirit of a new year (New me – woo!  Look, I’m a middle aged woman who still can’t put down the gin despite the fact it’s now the 45th day of Christmas) I have removed the offending articles and will be replacing them with some other, hopefully sweeter-smelling shit.  It’ll still be shit, so lower your expectations (“If that’s even possible” – anyone who read my blog before).

The plan was originally to be creative – but that’s hard.  It is very hard to be creative, especially if you don’t take criticism well.  It’s even harder to be creative when you’ve not written anything for, like, ages, you know?  Like, getting your, um, you know, . . . words to be sound good make sense for what meaning you wants is hard.  Like a penis.  As strong as a horse’s leg, yet delicate as a flower wrapped in silk. . . .  Sorry, went on a bit of a tangent there.  Instead of being creative in this post, I shall be critical of something.  Because that is easy.  It’s super easy.  Like taking candy from a shop in the 90’s, when security cameras weren’t a thing, and people trusted each other (the FOOLS! Hahahahah!).  So today, for the 1st time in some amount of time (not checking how long it’s been – who has the time?), Harry Peat reviews a book that sucked utter balls!

Jude the Obscure, by Tommy Hardy (or Mr Boner, as he will be known here) is the worst thing I have ever read.  The book was given to me by my mother and I have not forgiven her yet.  There is something in my nature that forces me to see things through to the bitter end, even if it’s a terrible thing (hence my return to this writing nonsense) and I read EVER LAST WORD of that fucking book.  If you plan on reading Mr Boner’s “most outspoken novel” know this – reading it is entirely masochistic.  Every chapter, every page, every sentance.  Not one part of this book is enjoyable.  Only two characters are tolerable (and they barely feature in it).  This book is torture.  Let’s begin.

The story of Jude, summarised.  He is living with his old aunt because he is like a pussy batman (no parents, yo).  He cannot work with animals because he feels for them.  He gets whipped for being such a pussy & letting birds eat a farmers seeds.  He wants to go to university and be a scholar (because he wants to be better than other people) but is still a child and an idiot.  Growing up, he tries to study by himself and is becoming a stone mason at the same time.  Ugh.  Then, he is seduced by a woman who hits him in the face with a pig’s severed cock.  She is wonderful.  I liked her a lot, the buxom tavern wench.  She pretends to be up the duff to force Jude to marry her, then is dissatisfied with him (because what woman wouldn’t be) and leaves him to go to Australia (she returns later to not watch Jude die).  Jude fucks off to Christminster to try & go to university and also to creep on his cousin who lives there.  He is insanely in love with his cousin.  After stalking her for a while he accidentaly gets her married to some teacher (old creeper) he used to know, and gets depressed, and then gets drunk for the 2nd time in his life.  He decides he is an alcoholic, and since he can’t go to university he moves to become a priest.  What a wanker.  Remember also that all this time he is a stonemason, obsessing over his cousin.  He stalks his cousin some more, convinces her to run away with him and they pretend to get married because his cousin is the most annoying cocktease ever in the history of literature.  She spends all her time leading Juse on and then denying him at the last second because she is married to that old creeper.  The old creeper’s life is ruined because he lets Jude’s cousin go (personally, I would have had her burned as a witch) and he lives miserably ever after (she later goes back and marries him again, but the damage is already done).  So Jude is now banging his cousin and they are both ashamed.  Then Jude’s bastard child (hated this kid more than I’ve ever hated a character before) shows up from Australia and they look after him.  At some point Jude’s aunt dies.  Jude’s ex is all up in Jude’s grill for a while but she backs off, waiting until she can remarry him because she is poor and has needs.  Jude & his cousin squirt out a couple offspring of their own and Jude forces them back to Christminster because he is still obsessed with being a scholar.  His children all die, his cousin goes back to her husband, Jude goes back to his ex, Jude’s ex leaves him to die alone while she goes out to flirt with other (more worthy) men.  Jude dies.  The fucking end.

Mr Boner’s work here shows the stark contrasts in all people’s personalities, and the futility of man’s attempt to change his own nature.  It’s a shame he had to do it with characters who reflect the worst combinations of unlikeable qualities (some of which we are unable to ignore in ourselves post reading) that people are like to posess.  In Jude we see the true meaning of being a pussy, being utterly ignorant of the world and it’s requirements, a desire to be able to look down on people, pathetic self pity, and general patheticness.  In his cousin Sue, we see a fucking bitch.  Seriously, she is such a manipulative whingeing cocktease who knows exactly what she is doing and I didn’t even feel sorry for her when all her children die.  She is actually that unlikeable.  Hats off to Mr Boner for creating the most hateble female character of all time.  Also, Jude’s fucking bastard fucking child.  He is misery made flesh in prose.  But not real, deserving misery.  He is teenage angsty misery, unreasonable self pitying misery, based only on himself and not taking anything else into account.  His glass is half empty so he tips it over.  Fuck him – I’m glad he dies.

1 out of 10, would not read again.

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About harrypeat

I'm a happy-go-lucky chap with a zest for life and the resting heart rate of a yellowfin tuna. I love long walks on the beach at dusk, paintings of elderly couples, and vegan dinners by candlelight. As well as being a talented rhythmic jazz guitarist, I am a part-time vblogger and all-round gymnast.
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