Frank Zappa (or Zapsy, as I call him) is better known for giving his children stupid names than his music and that is entirely his own fault. Way to make a name for yourself, Zapsy. Pun totally intended there. In case you live in a cave, Zapsy called his children Moon-Unit, Ahmet Emuukah, Dweezil and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen. What these children did to him while in the womb is unknown, but apparently it was unacceptable behaviour warranting a lifetime of punishment. Zapsy isn’t the only celebrity offender in the “Let’s all give our kids stupid names!” department, sharing the spotlight with cretins such as “The Edge” (what an absolute tool), the Beckhams (still idiots after all these years), Jermaine Jackson (dickhead) and that guy from My name is Earl (Your name is forgotten). Their children suffer under the monikers of “Blue Angel”, “Cruz”, “Romeo”, “Brooklin”, “Jermajesty” and “Pilot Inspektor”. Way to give them a head start in life.
This particular trend of celebrity madness is starting to spill over into the real world, and it is really getting on my tits. It pains me that some woman actually made the news in multiple countries for naming her child “hashtag”. What a twatter. What a self-important, unfunny, cretinous, arse-brained attention-whore. That is the worst fucking name ever aside from Othello. Pretentious Shakespearian names should just be avoided. What child is going to thank you for calling them Titania? So you want to appear incredibly middle class? Is there a way to do so without naming your child something ridiculous? Why are these people under the impression that they have to name their child something original? Maybe they’re worried that “Dave” is a builders’ name and they don’t want their little boy to grow up working class (heaven forbid!). But then most successful people have quite normal names, like Alan (Sugar), Bill (Murray), Angus (Deaton), John (take your pick, I choose Goodman), and David (Walliams). Where does this “original names will make my child better” idea even come from? Wacky names are likely to get your child ostricised (which should involve tarring and feathering, for the name’s sake) and will probably leave them depressed. This will make them take heroin and become a prostitute. There is no cure.
There is one example I know of that I can stand behind, and that is Shed Rodgers. That name is so fucking badass. Likely you will see Shed beating the living shit out of Othello in the playground. I don’t even feel bad for Othello because his name is just too fucking stupid. Kick his teeth in, Shed!