Fucking painting.

My flat is a bit shit.  There is mould coming through some of the walls and holes that aren’t supposed to be there, and a weird shitey smell outside.  A while ago some scum made a bonfire outside that had to be put out by the fire brigade, a drunk guy stumbled into our close (bypassing our state-of-the-art lockless door security system) and fell asleep against my neighbour’s door, and there has been a tramp caught raking through our bin in broad daylight.  To counteract the shitness, I decided to do some fixing.

 

My drunk friend destroyed the light switch in my bathroom, leaving a hole in the ceiling and a dangling switch, before vomiting all over the toilet.  It happens.  Next time, I’ll shit in his kettle.  With a bit of no more nails and some polyfilla, the lightswitch is back in place and working fine.  With some bleach, the vomit is gone.  This was not too bad.  I tackled some more holes in the wall with filler and stanley knives, and now there are no more holes.  This left us with obvious patches of wall that had been fixed.

 

As a man who wants his deposit back, I made the decision to paint over these bits, and the mouldy bits too.  This has been a fucking nightmare.  Painting is not for me at all.  The worst part is trying to figure out what fucking colour the bathroom wall is.  I said yellow, my woman said “autumn terracotta”.  I looked around B & Q, only to discover that there is no such colour as “yellow”, while there is a range of terracottas, including the autumn variety.  I don’t know who is responsible for this, but so help me God they will burn in hell.

 

Here is a pretentious list of “colours” available from dulux.  All of which look like the colour of my bathroom wall in different lights.

“Treacle tart”

“Summer pecan”

“Caramel blush”

“Sunflower symphony”

“Sulfur springs”

“Bracken salts”

“Tuscan treasure”

“Honey drizzle”

“Sundrenched saffron”

“Desert island”

“Sun dust”

“Amber queen”

“Mango melody”

“Auburn falls”

“Bongo jazz”

“Vanilla mist”

“Crumpled linen”

“Twisted bamboo”

It turns out my bathroom wall is magnolia.  We just ended up buying four small pots of reasonably close to what we thought the wall looked like, and trying them until we found a match.  We were fortunate we found one so soon.  Having finished covering the mistakes of the past, I noticed that the colour displayed on the pot of magnolia and the colour of the wall ARE NOT THE SAME FUCKING COLOUR.  How the hell are people supposed to know what colour the paint is if there is a different fucking colour on the outside of the pot?  My expectations could not be any fucking lower, and still dulux has disappointed me.  I don’t care if the paint lasts for one year or five.  I do not care if the fumes make me dizzy.  I do not care if you had to cut down a rainforest to achieve this colour.  I just want to know that I am buying the right colour of paint.  Shove that hairy dog up your arse and go trampolining, dulux.  Here is a suggested list of names for your future shades of colour.

“Carly Simon”

“Blanket stereotype”

“Blue”

“McDonalds aftermath”

“More beige than that other beige”

“Devils piano”

“Duke of York”

“Just Fucking White”

“Nonsense”

“Not what it looks like”

“You’ll be sorry”

“Middle class magnet”