What the hell is wrong with you?

Dear woman across the room,


You look fit, and your boobs are ample.  You’re looking at me in a manner that suggests you are very moist.  I come over to chat to you, and you are so up for it.  You give me your number so I will phone you in a day or two.  Maybe even tomorrow, if I think you’re particularly hot.  I’m pretty fucking chuffed, so I’m telling my mates about this bird I met last night.  As I remember it, she was frothing at the gash for me. 

SCENARIO 1 –  Ok, so I phone and you don’t answer.  You might be in the shower.  I’ll leave it as a missed call and you can phone me back at a more convenient time.  Next day, and you still haven’t phoned me back.  So I guess you haven’t put my number in and you’re not the kind of girl who takes a call from an unknown number.  This time I leave a message.  Remember me?  Want to go out for a drink?  I have a friend who has a boat and I know where the keys are, let’s have some fun.  Not implying sex, but that is the direction we should be moving in.  You’re not going to phone me back?  Fuck it, plenty more birds in the bush. I forget who you are and move on with my life.


SCENARIO 2 – I don’t phone you at all, because I was drunk when we met and have forgotten your name.  Why oh why did I save you as “Clunge to be plunged” on my phone?  I curse myself for thinking that was funny, and have a wank instead.


SCENARIO 3 – I phone and you answer, we arrange a date.  I clean up good.  Might even wear my special boxers tonight.  Tiger stripe.  Because I’m a fucking animal.  We meet up, and you don’t seem quite so up for it as you were before.  Never mind, because I am going to get you drunk and keep you sweet.  You start whinging about your ex.  Despite all my best efforts, you are determined to spoil the mood and you succeed.  We both go home seperately and alone.  This continues for a while.  I love the thrill of the chase, but I’m not in it for a marathon.  Not sure you’ll be worth it.  If we don’t have sex three more times, it’s over.


SCENARIO 4 – We do have sex and it’s not quite lived up to the hype.  I jizz in your eye by mistake and you go ape.  We break up about an hour later, as you fail to see the funny side.


SCENARIO 5 – We do have sex and it’s fucking amazing (what can I say – I’m involved?).  We continue to do this for some time, but for unknown reasons you don’t make the effort.  I don’t mind this because I’m getting my balls licked.  What we have can be considered a stable relationship.  It continues for a few months, and I wonder if you want me to say “I love you”.  I think it best to wait until you say it.  After 4 months you throw a scadge because I’ve never said “I love you”, and it’s too late to say it now that you’re angry.  We break up and I am a bit sad.  I won’t be getting my balls licked for quite some time.  I use the time to reflect on our relationship, and realise that you were a bit of a bitch, even if you were a champion cocksucker.


SCENARIO 6 – So we have a stable relationship, and some good sex.  Nice.  I blurt out the words “I love you!” during an orgasm, and you don’t reciprocate.  I feel a bit of a tit, but maybe it was too soon.  I blurt it out again one day when we’re throwing stones at ducks in the park and you accidentaly hit a baby.  Again you don’t reciprocate.  I suspect you of cheating on me.  When you are asleep, I check your phone but find nothing.  I become increasingly more interested in what you’re doing and where you’re going.  You don’t like this.  You tell me to give you some space.  I openly accuse you of cheating, and we have a massive fight.  I lose it, and punch you in the face.  I am put under house arrest for months, electronically tagged, given a restraining order and forced to pay your legal fees.  I fucking hate your guts.  We never speak again.


SCERANIO 7 – I tell you I love you very deliberately, and you say nothing.  I suddenly grow a vagina and ask about your feelings.  You don’t want to talk about it.  After months of gentle persuasion, and reassurance, I have my vagina surgically removed.  We go back to the days where we didn’t have sex.  I cheat on you with a slut I meet on a friend’s stag do.  The evidence is too obvious, and we break up.  I become a slightly worse person when I realise that I don’t care. 


SCENARIO 8 – I keep the vagina, and you eventually talk about your feelings.  We create a black hole of pussydom, and destroy the universe together.


SCENARIO 9 – You say you love me too.  Aw, how sweet.  We talk about marriage, and babies and the future and stuff, but you get cold feet.  You leave me standing at the alter like a dickhead in front of all my friends and family, and you’ve spent all my money on a honeymoon you took alone.  You’ve ruined my life.  I cry for the first time in 30 years.  Years from now, I meet a nice woman and am unable to trust her because of what you did.  I will never be happy again.


SCENARIO 10 – We do get married and have children.  You are becoming increasingly demanding.  You expect flowers all the time, and complain that I don’t earn enough.  One day I come home to catch you fucking my best friend.  I look my best friend in the eye and say “Bad dog!”  You leave the country to hide your shame.


The end. 


About harrypeat

I'm a happy-go-lucky chap with a zest for life and the resting heart rate of a yellowfin tuna. I love long walks on the beach at dusk, paintings of elderly couples, and vegan dinners by candlelight. As well as being a talented rhythmic jazz guitarist, I am a part-time vblogger and all-round gymnast.
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2 Responses to What the hell is wrong with you?

  1. Cubby says:

    I vote for Scenario 8. That sounds absolutely charming.

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