A long time ago, me and my woman saw a BBC trailer for a documentary about penguins. It was called “A spy in the huddle” or something, and it looked kind of interesting. I don’t normally give a shit about penguins, but this day I did. So we’re expecting to be watching these penguins doing penguiny things, and instead are treated to a display of how far one program can disappear up it’s own arse.
There were 3 different types (I think) of penguins they followed. Emperor, Rock hopper and Desert storm. What they did was dress cameras up like penguins, put wheels or robot legs or whatever in them so they could move, and then place the cameras among groups of penguins. (This is fucking revolutionary film making: Look how far we’ve come.) They then decided to use the cameras to film the other cameras. All narrated by David fucking Tenant. David fucking Tenant has an annoying fucking voice. Especially when he’s telling you that “Penguincam” has laid “Eggcam” and you have to watch as they film a fake egg roll out from underneath a fake penguin. Then a penguin gets suspicious and attacks the camera, and David fucking Tenant is telling you how amazing the cameras are that they’ve managed to fool a penguin. But not just when that happens, it’s all the fucking time. The whole fucking way through the show you have to watch fucking cameras dressed as penguins being filmed by more fucking cameras dressed as penguins instead of actual fucking penguins while David fucking Tenant tells you that it’s amazing that the penguins think the cameras are penguins. It’s not amazing. Penguins are not exactly known for being geniuses, and dressing up a camera like a penguin probably puts them at quite a big disadvantage in figuring out that it’s a camera. So shut your fucking mouth about the fucking cameras and how fucking amazing they are, David fucking Tenant. Shut your mouth with a hammer.
I wonder who was the mastermind that thought filming the cameras would be a better focal point than the penguins? It’s not like it’s supposed to be a documentary about penguins or anything. The thing that annoys me the most (aside from David fucking Tenant and his annoying fucking voice) is the message this kind of program sends out. That if you’re making a BBC documentary, you better show that you’ve spent a lot of money. Often in documentaries about the sea (and all the revolting creatures in it) they bring out a submarine and a research team to tell you about the technology. Time that shit. The more time spent telling me how great your little submarine is, the more time is wasted not watching you get eaten by sharks. People seem to think that documentaries are the perfect place to show off how great they are at making a documentary. At least Attenborough tags that self-promoting shite on at the end. You watch the good bits about the animals and what they do, and shots of them killing things, etc, and then you have the option of turning it off when they get to the “look how much effort we made, aren’t we amazing?” bit. Also, you can’t predict the horror that Attenborough will throw at you. I’ve seen an elephant watch it’s own child die and then be left behind by the rest of it’s herd. Nature is a cruel bitch, and Attenborough knows it. Don’t expect a happy ending. We all die alone. Especially David fucking Tenant.