Animals have problems

If you’re ever having a religious moment, and for more than three seconds consider intelligent design to be valid, punch yourself in the face.  I mean it.  Look at pandas and then think about how intelligent the designer of the panda was.  Pandas are useless cunts and will likely drive themselves to extinction.  Their diet prevents them from hibernating because it is the diet of an idiot bear.  Normal bears kill things and eat them and sleep for the winter months and are generally quite happy.  Pandas are miserable looking fuckwits with the brainpower of around four ants.  They were not designed by anything intelligent.  Or maybe they were, and it’s kind of a sick joke.  Either way, my fantasy is to use a panda fur to create the ultimate pimp coat, and the head would still be attached as the hood.  That is what pandas are actually good for.  Maybe they’re good for eating but, because of the panda-loving hippies that stand in the way of true progress, we’ll never know.

Other animals that should make you question the existance of the divine include the peacock.  What the ever-loving fuck are these birds for?  They seem to have become the tattoo of choice for hipster girls, though I’m sure their primary use concerns lawn decoration at stately homes.  If you use a peacock for a purpose other than this, please inform me and explain yourself. 

Dolphins are paraded as the next smartest animal besides humans.  People teach them to jump through hoops, shoot basketballs, and other completely futile tasks that demonstrate only that people have fuck-all imagination.  If you’re studying fluid mechanics, it’s likely that a dolphin’s natural understanding of the subject would give it the edge over you.  Teach the fucking things to communicate with us.  Don’t teach a person to communicate with a dolphin, though, as they will likely take it as a sign they are special and will be lost forever to egomania and starting a dolphin cult.

Now I can understand keeping pets.  Frankie Boyle says keeping pets is pathetic, as you can’t make friends with your own species, but I hate my own species for the most part, so fuck you.  Keeping cats is not for me, though, because cats are dicks.  They smell terrible and give you toxoplasmosis or some other brain-eating parasites and posting them as your gravatar (as well as using the word “gravatar”, God I hate myself) is the mark of a sad bastard.  Dogs make better pets (though they are like virgin girlfriend needy) and are altogether much more fun to be around than cats.  That’s not to say that dogs and cats are not idiots.  They are.  Intelligence did not feature in the design of either animal.  Cats routinely become confused by washing machines and red dots.  Why the cat sees the dot as a threat is unknown.  Perhaps because your cat is a bit slow in the head.  Dogs are a whole other world of stupid, and they are filthy animals to boot.  My dog would eat anything.  Be it shit, metal (yes it once ate metal), grease, feathers (it nearly choked to death), or poison.  Dogs don’t discriminate much.  And they aren’t exactly as loyal as they’re made out to be.  Despite having a palette for grease and metal, when I tried to slip it brussell sprouts during christmas dinner my dog spat it out.  Right in front of everyone.  Way to be a pal, dog.  But let’s never forget how much fun it is to keep a stupid animal around.  Now compare it to keeping a stupid person around.  Yeah, I thought so.  Fuck off.

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About harrypeat

I'm a happy-go-lucky chap with a zest for life and the resting heart rate of a yellowfin tuna. I love long walks on the beach at dusk, paintings of elderly couples, and vegan dinners by candlelight. As well as being a talented rhythmic jazz guitarist, I am a part-time vblogger and all-round gymnast.
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