What the hell kind of a name is Suki?
I watched a program on 4OD called Health Food Junkies, featuring voicover man, behind the camera interviewer voice, and hippies. The program follows a couple who changed their eating habits to feel healthier, a woman who has done the same and is now forcing it upon three children, and a woman called Suki. A stupid name for a stupid woman.
It starts off quite normally, with these hippies talking about how they now only eat raw food, and no animal products whatsoever and now they feel SO FUCKING HEALTHY. They are the ultra-vegans. The hyper-healthy. Their diet is nothing but raw vegetables and some fruit and apparently powders from health food shops. At first I thought they were just amazingly dedicated to being awesomely healthy, but then they started talking and it turns out they’re all on the verge of schizophrenia.
That’s right. Apparently not cooking your food makes you batshit crazy, and these hippies start spouting the most insane drivel I’ve heard in years. We’ll start with Suki, as she is an easy target, and has a name. She used to eat meat and drink beer (4 or 5 a night! What a fucking animal!) and take drugs blah blah and then she heard about this diet and just “went raw”. Wow, man. Far out. Then she tells us about what is in tap water. Bacteria, chemicals, parasites, prozac, contraceptive pills, cocaine, chlorine, does anybody remember Dr Strangelove? Maybe by taking drugs she meant drink the water. Just when you think she can’t get crazier, she pulls out her “electrical device”. Not quite sure what it actually is. She tells us that she wears it against her skin to zap all the parasites that live on her, so that they can’t sap her precious energy. Order one today and recieve a free tinfoil hat.
Onto the couple. They are so condescending it makes me sick. I want to waterboard the guy with paté. Then he explains that they have a coffee enema and a lemon enema (Lemena, as he calls it – what a wanker.) every day. He proudly shows the bag to the camera and says “I do a bag in one!”. Must make shoving your head up there a lot easier. Not content with ruining food for themselves, they force other people to come over to eat a “delicious” raw “lasagne”. It’s not a lasagne. You have no idea what that word means and should not be allowed to use it.
The guy works in a recording studio, recording the most asinine shit ever (then fucking playing at his “dinner” party – you utter fucking cunt) and it sounds like something that would embarass the native fucking hipsters. If you want an example, look up a song called “There goes concord again” and imagine stuff that’s worse than that. Then the crazy comes out. His magic pendant (“Vortex pendant” – $90) protects him from the electromagnetism and the ions (the fucking ion, man!) by absorbing the negative energy or some shit – I don’t know, I slipped into a rage coma and woke up with my fist punching someone else’s front door. The last thing I remember was this actual quote- “The level on which they work is one of quantum physics, it’s pretty sophisticated…” Fuck off you utter cretin. You make other humans despair for the future.
Last, but certainly not least is the woman who is doing this diet to her children. If that kid called childline, and I answered, she’d be in jail. Getting girl-bummed. Her kids don’t know what an ice cream is. She actually says this. To ensure that they remain outcasts on a social, as well as a dietry level, she home-schools them, thereby preventing them from learning how to interact with the rest of society. Not that society is missing out, but they sure are. She leaves us with a chilling note that cooked food people are dying. We’re all going to get heart disease and obesity and die. Somehow, I don’t think so.
Look at Lemmy (singer from Mötörhead, if you don’t know him you should get researching you waste of oxygen). 67 years old on a diet of speed, whiskey, and meat. Not dead. Not shoving liquid up his arse, being a condescending twat, or making children miserable. Just being fucking awesome, and more alive than any of us will ever be. Fuck yourselves with cheese graters, hippies.