There was a golden age where everything was fucking amazing. Cops were shooting first and asking questions later, politicians were honest and upstanding, whiskey was part of your working lunch and DAMN STRAIGHT said the CEO because he wants people to enjoy working for his company. This was the age where the men were really manly, and they could all fix their own cars and now everyone is a pussy and kids don’t even walk to school because it’s too dangerous. In fact, if you are an American child, school is one of the most dangerous places you can be. The good old days, where a dime bag cost a dime, where women were OBLIGED to suck you off, where the wife stayed home and raised the kids, where TV was wholesome and educational, where you didn’t have instant gratification on every corner, where people met in REAL LIFE and had to CALL each other on the PHONE! A time where everything was perfect, and nothing can change that.
Yeah, right. But there is one thing about the so-called golden age that really was golden. Working. The jobs you got could buy you a house in like five years. The cost of living versus wages? An outstanding ratio. And if you worked in SHIPPING?! Holy fuck that was a true golden age. It was the wild fucking west, with weeks in port, hookers everywhere, wages that could make you a millionaire, drinking and smoking and drug smuggling and fast-track promotions. A rollercoaster ride to the top where hard work ACTUALLY PAID OFF. What the fuck happened?
It’s a similar situation in almost any workplace. Some crusty old fuck who’s been there so long he’s been inventorised in the company system will start spouting off about the golden age. And of course he looks back on those days with the longing sparkle in his eyes. The sparkle of one who has tasted paradise, and paradise sucked him off afterwards. Because companies don’t want you to enjoy working there any more. They want productive machines, and they want you to stick around. The first place you will notice this is your wages. How do they compare with the cost of living? If you find yourself unable to risk leaving your job to find another or follow your passion because you simply cannot accumulate enough in savings to have a safety net, you are hereby informed that you are a modern day slave. That’s where we are heading. In time, and for all time, companies will push for better positions in which to fuck their employees. They want you bent over, spreadeagled with every hole plugged and every escape barred and the company logo branded on each of your asscheeks and tattooed on your fucking forehead, and you obligingly say stuff like “They’re great to work for, and I even get a week’s paid holiday!”.
What the fuck has this got to do with anything? Why are you bitching about this shit? We all know it, and we stand up for ourselves and ain’t no company gonna exploit me no sah missah bawus man! Because it fucking sucks a sweaty sack of balls, that’s why. I don’t want to spend the best years of my life working and toiling for scraps while CEOs rake in billions on my efforts, and reward our hard work with pizza parties and company mental health support schemes. REWARD ME WITH THE FUCKING MONEY I EARNED FOR YOU!!!! How about a wage rise higher than a SINGLE PERCENT in TEN FUCKING YEARS!?!?! How about wage rises that match the inflation rate? Instead of mental health initiatives, resilience training and company owned social media platforms that prevent you from escaping your job even on your time off, how’s about the company hired more staff so I’m not doing the equivalent of three people’s work? If you work for tesla, you are contractually prevented from unionising. If you work for amazon, you are shortening your life expectancy working in those conditions, your wages are laughably low (but of course, that’s completely legal), and yet that Bezos cunt continues to pimp you all to the point that his wealth might actually be greater than the value of every single piece of physical money in the world. I’m not going to fact check that statement, but you feel free. It’s likely accurate.
We will sit by and watch, as the retirement age hits 75, then 80, then death. And know that companies will continue to fuck us, into our graves if we let them. And you will not enjoy yourself on the way into oblivion, they will make sure of it. The company will provide you with all the tools you need to do your job safely, including mandatory HR meetings that constantly remind you how quickly you’ll be fired if you step out of line, conferences where the carrot of possible promotion is dangled in front of you at just the right angle so you can’t tell it’s 100 miles away and it’s actually an orange dildo they’re planning on shoving up your cat-flap, mental health initiatives to prevent you from being excused from work on psychiatric grounds, safety guards on machinery that already has safety guards on it and plenty other worthless bullshit that costs them less than just paying you a fair wage and letting you have a 40 hour working week. There will be no drinking on the job, despite the fact the job is so stressful you’re becoming an alcoholic on your time off, and DEFINITELY no drugs, so you can’t even smoke weed on your days off it stays in your system too long, and fuck whoever invented drug screening kits. You’ll be expected to be on time, all the time, involved even on your holidays, always available to contribute, and you better show enthusiasm! You have to be passionate about data entry or whatever bullshit they’ve got you doing that is still too complicated to be left to a robot or a Chinese child. You know what? Fuck them all. Strike. Just pack up your tools and never go back. If every single one of us simply stopped going in to work all at once, what would happen? The world would improve overnight as employers are finally reminded that they need us far more than we need them. Rant over. Sorry about the lack of any actual jokes. Ballsack.